If you grew up in a Christian home, you likely memorized Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” The Apostle Paul bases this exhortation on the fifth commandment, “Honor your father and mother.” For children, at home, under the care of parents, honor looks like obedience.

What about later? Children grow up, then may leave home for college or work and never again live under their parents’ roof. What does honor look like then? To make matters even more challenging, how do children honor their parents when personal values are dramatically different?

Perhaps your parents are unbelievers. Or maybe your parents hold firmly to views you believe now to be quite outdated. Possibly your parents are tied closely to a political ideology that you find abhorrent. Or perhaps your parenting style is opposite from what they practiced. For whatever reason, you find yourself at odds with your parents. How do you honor them?

Before all else, give thanks for them. For His own glory and according to His perfect plan, God gave you these parents. Acknowledge God’s sovereign goodness in doing so. Then immediately remember that your parents were, and are, imperfect. They messed up. They did not handle every situation rightly. So forgive them, from your heart.

Next, give them the benefit of the doubt. When they give you parenting advice, they are trying to be helpful. When sharing their perspective on politics or some complex social issue, they are speaking from their own experience. Let them speak. Be respectful in your conversation, with word choice and tone. You don’t need to defend yourself or justify your views when there’s disagreement. At the same time, don’t look for reasons to think less of them. Don’t keep a mental scorecard or running tally of ways they fail or offend. It is always helpful to uphold their dignity—in front of others, especially your own children (if you have any), spouse (if married), or even in your own mind. Belittling, giving a cold shoulder, or undermining your parents’ dignity in any way is never honoring.

Look for ways to show respect. Communicate with your parents regularly or at least occasionally. This shows them that you want them to have some part in your life, even if only from a distance. In this way, you invite them into your life, and they can share the victories, defeats, challenges, and blessings you experience.

Visit. This may be the hardest thing to do, because when you’re with them you feel the tension, and there’s little escape. Old hurts may resurface, while opportunities for new offenses and misunderstandings abound. But, even if it is just for a day or two, commit your visit to the Lord, asking for His grace, and go. Or invite them to visit you.

Consider giving a gift. This shows love. It says, “I saw this and thought of you.” Take your parents out for a meal. They cared for you and fed you when you were dependent, so return the favor in some small way. If you live far away, have a meal delivered to them. It may be possible for you to meet a need they have. Help them with a house project.

As your parents age, they will need assistance. Offer your help. You may be able to combine a visit with a project, and that may lessen tensions because you’re focused on the task and not awkwardly trying to fill the time with chit-chat.

When possible, show physical affection. This, too, could be hard depending on how you were raised. Maybe physical touch was not something modeled in your home, but if your parents are open, give hugs or place your hand on a shoulder. You don’t need to smother them, but show affection.

Finally, be prepared to invest in them financially if need be. When your parents get too old to live on their own, they will need assistance. The Bible says, “If a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God” (1 Tim. 5:4). Jesus made provision for his own mother when he entrusted her into John’s care.

Children, honor your father and mother so that you live long in the land. Then, don’t let that honor diminish as you age. Despite differences or disagreements, actively show respect. Do it in the power Jesus gives by His Spirit.